Tuesday Tickle: Medulla Oblongata
Billy Madison once taught us that alligators are mad because they are the proud green owners of so many teeth, yet they haven’t a tooth brush. Now, years later, we are seemingly faced with an ocean full of pissed off sharks. Those irate sea-beasts are chomping dudes like watermelon on a divine summer afternoon. It seems like there’s an attack every week, and one is only left to ponder what we’ve done to infuriate these toothy beasts of burden. I may not be a marine biologist, but I am a great speculator—perhaps the greatest speculator on my entire street. So let’s skip the generic Fox News bullshit and get straight to truth. Here is why the sharks are so pissed.—Brendan Buckley
-The sharks are pissed because the only time we’ve recently been lucky enough to watch a live webcast of Dane Reynolds surfing was at Huntington Beach.
- The sharks are pissed because there are too many awful sports teams named after them. Honestly, some kids just aren’t cut out to play baseball.
- Sharks are fans of Hulk Hogan and would never bite him.
- Sharks didn’t want front traction pads to go away.
- Sharks view the success of “Call Me Maybe” as a testament to the fact that some humans deserve to be bit, plain and simple.
-The sharks get irritable when Slater doesn’t win.
- Sharks actually don’t mind skinny jeans or climate changes. Comfort, style, and warm water. What’s to hate, they wonder.
-Cyclers who disrupt the steady flow of traffic really rustle a shark’s jimmies.
-Sharks wanted Dino to be the best Andino.
-More than anything, sharks hate that people still call air reverses innovative. In this day and age, that’s like awing the sound system of a Kia Sorento while Bill Nye is out there sending rovers to Mars.