In a decision that found the six-time Association of Surfing Professionals world champion extremely relieved, Cocoa Beach, Florida’s Kelly Slater had this to say to TransWorld SURF magazine:
“I thought long and hard about going back on tour next year, especially after my sponsor Quiksilver threatened to drop me if I didn’t. Not that I’d mind so much, they’re pretty corpo anyway and I could always ride for Volcom with my brother Sean. It’s just that I’ve had so much free time on my hands and been through so many sick barrels and hot chicks already. I just wanna try something new.”
The Sushi 2000 Tour will commence with the Japanese Sake Bombers from Tokyo taking on the Crunchy Roll Kings from California, manned also by sushi veterans Benji Weatherly, Saxon Boucher and Peter King of San Diego. Says King, “We know Slates is from Florida, but since he’s wanted by every hot chick in California, we thought we’d pull him in on our team.” The four-man team
has been training all year and sparing no costs.
“It’s a good thing we’re all rich pro surfers with big contracts and lots of fun money, or we’d never been able to train properly for the big leagues,” said Boucher, and added: “I know as well as anyone how to make duck-faces and psyche out my opponents, the wasabi-levels used on the 2000 tour should help even more.” Benji “Big Chopsticks” Weatherley, as he’s been called by his hot Hawai‘ian surfer-girlfriend Sanoe Lake, emulated these thoughts: “If
Slater is on our team, we stand a far superior chance in the chick-getting division. I mean, what’s going out to an overpriced sushi-bar really about? I say if you’re not trying to impress chicks, you shouldn’t even bother eating sushi.”
The Sushi tour is sponsored by Kirin Dry beer, Pepto-Bismol, and Lifestyles brand extra-lubricated condoms. “Great combination,” commmented Slater, as his girlfriend, Hurley International model, Rachel, wiped the soy-sauce from his chin. The nine-stop tour will end in a grand finally sushi-and-sashimi eating marathon in Garden Grove, California on New Year’s eve 2001. The winning team will receive gold-plated, personally monogrammed sushi-eating
sticks and a life-time supply of Lifestyles.
Who needs surfing and all that messy melted wax and irritating sand in your car when you can travel around the world eating fish and drinking beer instead? Not to mention as many free fecal-matter coated mints you can fit in your pockets on the way out!
Best of luck, Kelly, we know ya can do it Champ!
*Ha, Ha, readers. Kelly has been surfing select events and travelling on photo trips for Quiksilver and with his good friends. They would never dis the greatest surfer of all time, nor would we. Except to get a laugh. Who loves ya, Smelly?-SZ